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[Rendezvous]

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One truly was the loneliest number that there ever was. When the tom had walked away from Ashcloud and allowed his body to be swallowed by the shadows of the woods, he realized just how lonely he had been. Every day since he had become deputy he had organized patrols, put his clanmates in place whenever it was needed, yet he didn't have anyone to socialize with except for maybe his brother. Unfortunately, Cedarstorm didn't bring a smile to his lips, nor did he warm his heart. Pinestep's twin brother was kind of just there, a low dose of medication that eased the pain but didn't quite cut it in the long run.

Pinestep had avoided the nursery entirely since he had been, in his mind anyway, rejected by Ashcloud. He couldn't bear to even look in that general direction for if he did he was simply lose it and he feared he wouldn't be able to find himself again. Inhaling deeply he snapped orders at a group of warriors that he had rounded up for a border patrol. "Did you hear me? Go renew the scent markers and don't slack off either!" His voice was a hiss, his tail twitching in irritation as the cats hurried out of camp, probably expecting the Shadowclan deputy to run his claws through their ears if they didn't follow his orders.

He was angry at himself, not his clanmates. He'd messed up something great, it hadn't been the right time to announce his love for the queen and now he felt as if he'd never get her back. Unwillingly, he found himself looking toward the nursery. In his head he tried to will his paws to move forward, to just peek into the confined space and catch a glimpse of the gray queen, yet his paws wouldn't move. Ashcloud... He thought with a pain in his heart as he padded forward, forcing his paws to go where he wanted them to go.

Standing a length or so away from the nursery he couldn't see into the dark recesses of the shelter. He couldn't go in there now, there were other queens and if they saw their deputy like this, broken beyond repair, they'd think of him as weak. Shaking his head he moved away from the nursery, his scent still lingering where he had stood.

There were cats out in the clearing and didn't need to see their deputy broken as he was. He was strong, powerful even, yet somehow a broken heart had transformed him into this hollow shell of his former self. He felt empty, as if the butterfly had left the cocoon, with him being the part the creature had left behind in its flight to the skies. Blinking his eyes he headed out of the camp, his tail dragging in the dust, his head lowered slightly as he walked with only one thing on his mind.

Ashcloud...

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“Come along dears, out of the apprentice’s way.” Ashcloud’s voice was gentle, a soft purr. Dutifully, a string of young kittens followed, hopping and leaping in failed attempts to cling to her tail. She moved slowly, even slower with kittens running in and out from under her paws. Yet they were each careful, innocently subtly careful, to avoid her one twisted front paw. She limped noticeably, all but hobbling away from the Nursery as grumbling apprentices went in and out with clumps of moss and soft leaves to replenish the nests. A couple of the kittens squeaked, rolling around as they wrestled one another.

Ashcloud looked about. She would have liked to settle down. She was incredibly self-conscious about walking in public. And midday, with the sun shining and the crisp air of winter wrapping around her, the camp was in a flurry. Warriors went in and out. And she could see their gazes wandering to her, then flicking quickly away, a note of shame and pity. They didn’t want to be caught staring. And she understood. Her ears flicked, her gaze wandering. She began to move forward again, but something stopped her in her tracks. She inhaled deeply, her eyes fluttering closed. A scent lingered outside the nursery, one she would recognize anywhere. Her heart lurched, fluttered hopefully in the simple knowledge that he had been near. Her voice wavered slightly.

Ashcloud bent her head. “Follow me, loves.” The kittens squeaked obediently, following Ashcloud as she hobbled slowly towards the center of the clearing. She could lie down there, tuck her mangled paw beneath her body, hide it from view, and pretend she was a mother. It took her far too long, but eventually she approached, settling herself on the ground. She tucked her mangled paw carefully hidden away beneath her. Almost immediately the kittens began rolling about in all directions. And Ashcloud, slowly but surely, allowed her gaze to wander about the clearing. She knew Pinestep was near, she only prayed he cared enough to glance in her direction.

She looked to the kittens, her voice low and gentle. “Be careful loves.” Almost immediately, her small horde of kittens were clambering over her back, pouncing on her flicking tail. They squeaked and went about their merry ways. And Ashcloud didn’t mind. She never minded. In many ways, she was far more suited to this life of a perma-queen, mother to all and none, than she ever would have been to a warrior. She chuckled slightly as a sole brave kitten ventured towards a nearby warrior. “Now now, don’t you go disturbing the busy warriors.” The kitten paused, as if caught at the scene of the crime. But he paused, still observing the warrior’s tail. It was horridly tempting, it truly was. And Ashcloud could understand. She could. She remembered endless tail-chasing in her days as a kitten.

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[Rendezvous]

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Usually hunting would ease his pains but today he felt as if catching a couple of mice was not going to help in this case. Whenever he hunted for his clan he truly felt normal, almost as if life itself was perfect, maybe even beyond that. But if Ashcloud wasn't there, then everything would fall into the realms of imperfection. As he dragged his paws towards the camp entrance, his ears pricked as he heard the excited mews of kits, before hearing a older feminine voice accompanying them. Her voice.

He took the time to turn around and just watch the ongoing scene before him. Ashcloud was the queen of motherly love. Even though the kits that romped and hopped around her, dashing around trying to get at another cat's tail, she still cared for them as if they were her own. Somehow that display of affection tugged at the tom's heart. Why did Ashcloud have to feel as though she couldn't live a normal life? She could be a mother to her own children, and he could father them. They would be able to have their own little family for Pinestep knew that he could make her happy.

Swallowing his fears the tom padded back into the clearing, his gaze focused only on the gray queen. He had tuned out the other cats that moved about the clearing, and he ignored the mix of conversations that flowed along with them. "Ashcloud." He meowed as he stopped a length away from her, glancing at the young kits that she had brought out of the nursery.

The tom refused to bring up the conversation that had pushed her away from him, he didn't want to push her over the edge of no return. Taking a deep breath, he laid down near the she-cat, bu he didn't get close enough so that there fur would touch. Just the she-cat's scent in his nostrils caused him to dig his claws into the soil. It hurt to be near her since she hadn't decided if she wanted him in her presence in the first place.

Closing his eyes tightly he tried to regain control of himself before finally opening them and speaking up. "How are you today?" He asked quietly in his attempt to start small talk with the she-cat. "I see that the little ones are lively this morning." The tabby knew that the evidence for his sadness lay within his gaze, yet he still spoke nothing of the conversation.

He was afraid of what she might say.

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One rambunctious kitten had latched his tiny teeth onto her ear. He was tugging down, a mixture of a growl and a giggle in his voice. He tugged continuously, occasionally batting at her nose. It certainly wasn’t comfortable for Ashcloud, but she made no attempt to escape the little kitten’s grip. His moments of joy, of entertainment, were worth her momentary discomfort. She even tugged back obediently, a game of tug of war with her own body parts. His mother in question was likely glad of the short respite, to perhaps sleep and recuperate. Another kitten had draped herself across Ashcloud’s paws and was now nearly asleep. Ashcloud dipped her head to groom the little she-cat absentmindedly. Usually, the kittens ate up her attention, there was nothing that could distract her. But today, with Pinestep’s scent still lingering in her nostrils, everything seemed out of focus. She couldn’t concentrate on anything, as if everything in her mental vision had become blurred. It was all she could do to keep from searching out his massive tabby form. Multiple times in the past days, her gaze had landed on Cedarstorm only to be disappointed at the realization of her mistake. Her belly churned with greed, an overwhelming desire for his mere presence.

And as if to challenge her, to mock her sinful corrupt nature, a shadow fell across her. She knew, without lifting her eyes, with a certainty, that Pinestep had finally come. She drank in his scent. It wrapped around her, weaving in her fur. She almost sighed, though slowly brought her gaze up to meet his. His name floated off of her lips on a breath, a stumbling awkward breath. “Pinestep.” He settled near her, but too far away. She wanted to curl up against him, to feel his warmth. She wanted to bury her face in his chest, as she had that night. She could let herself be taken away, to exist for nothing but him. But that wasn’t an option, not truly. Greedy little….Place of No Stars… The words circled in her head, a vicious taunt. Her ears flicked back. She was about to make a reply when Ternkit caught site of Pinestep. The massive tom kitten, who was just shy of his sixth moon, squealed in utter delight and ran to Pinestep. Ashcloud froze, quickly calling Ternkit back to her. “Ternkit, leave Pinestep be!” Ternkit looked utterly crushed, glancing between Ashcloud and Pinestep. “Mother said I should make more big friends.” Now of course this was in reference to his mother’s desire to wean Ternkit from his many pebble and leaf friends. And the little tom, looked as if he might begin to wail at any moment.

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Laughter bubbled passed the tom's lips, a sound that was few and far in between. In the beginning he had wanted to recoil away from the kit, and at other times he had thought of using the young tom for his own manipulative ways. Yet now he thought of the kit's actions as playful, not something to be looked upon as ignorant, or a waste of time. "Hello there Ternkit." He smiled at the black and white tom before moving his tail invitingly side to side for the young cat, hoping he may consider pouncing on it.

The black and white tom was obviously a bit mentally challenged, but loved just the same by his foster mother. "Let him play Ashcloud. We all need to give something new a chance." Pinestep looked into the queen's eyes, as if he had been directing his words towards her instead of the kit. Flicking an ear, he shifted his attention back to Ternkit. He was a large kit, and if he could overcome his mental obstacles, he would make an amazing warrior. Even though Pinestep usually thought against it, Ternkit could even make a fine medicine cat if he really put his mind to it. That way he'd have plenty of 'herb' friends, or even the occasional pebble friend.

"Why not take him a little ways outside of camp? I'd go with you, I wouldn't let anything happen to either of you." He meowed reassuringly, was that a hidden trace of affection in his voice? "I know what you're going to say, kits aren't allowed to go out of camp. But it won't be far, and he's almost six moons old so he'll be fine." He added, hoping that she would agree with his suggestion. And I want to spend time with you again..even if you don't want me.. He thought to himself, looking away from the she-cat.

Scenting the arrival of a hunting patrol, the tom turned to look at the fresh-kill pile. "Actually, I'll be right back." He quickly got to his paws and padded over to the pile, nosing through the variety of prey that was available today. Finally settling on a magpie and a couple of mice, he returned to Ashcloud. Dropping the prey in front of the queen, he meowed "Here, despite the circumstances, I'll still bring prey to you. Whether you want me or not." His voice was gentle, yet at his last words his voice was strained.

The tabby tom soon sat back down as he watched the group of the kits nearby jump on each other in one of their weird games. Watching them, Pinestep wished his own kithood had been full of happiness instead of misery.

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Ternkit’s eyes had grown massive, his lips puckered out. Any moment he would dissolve into heartbroken wails. But such was the mind of the little tom. While he was easily overjoyed, the flip side was he tended to be easily crushed as well. And something so simple as a friend denied was enough to crush him. At Pinestep’s words, Ashcloud hurried to console the massive kitten. “Alright my darling, go ahead. Be polite like your mother taught you.” Ternkit sniffled, but his features immediately brightened. He bounded over to Pinestep, nearly tripping over his own paws. He buried himself in Pinestep’s ample chest fur, purrs rumbling from him as he clambered over Pinestep’s paws, over the deputy’s back and settled at his belly. Ashcloud, as foolish as it was, couldn’t help but envy the little tom. What would she have given to bury her own face in Pinestep’s fur, to curl at his side and sleep knowing she was for once – secure? She would have given anything. She knew it to be true. She could hear the catches in his voice, the strain, the affection not meant for a little tom kitten. But she convinced herself it was something else – a figment of a desperate imagination.

She snapped her attention back to Pinestep. She bit her lip at his offer. In truth, she hadn’t been outside the camp in days. Somehow it seemed wrong, to go alone, without Pinestep. It seemed wrong to take a little pleasure. She looked around her. She had charge of all the clan’s kittens while the other queens slept. Her ears flicked back as she lightly shook her head. “I..I can’t.” She flicked her tail to indicate the surrounding kittens, then the Nursery where the queens napped in the sun. “They deserve a rest.” But she so desperately wished she could rise. For the first, perhaps the last time, in her life – she wished to be rid of the kittens underpaw. She wished she could leave everything, so that only Pinestep existed. She ducked her head away from his hopeful gaze. She couldn’t abandon her duties. She couldn’t kick dirt over the gift Froststar had given her. Her shoulders sagged with exhaustion. Ternkit moved to follow Pinestep as he stood, but Ashcloud called him back. She shushed him, licking his ears gently. He was a darling soul, the center of her love, affection and pride. She curled herself protectively around the little tom, holding him close. It made her feel safer, as if she could stave off her desperation and grief. After all, no longer could she be held in Pinestep’s embrace. She quickly raised her head as he returned, dropping a mouse at her paws. She looked up at him wordlessly, what she couldn’t say was written on her features – I never want you to leave me.

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Pinestep didn't show the disappointment at the queen's inability to leave the camp. She had own duties to tend to during the day, the tom understood that, but he couldn't help but wonder if the she-cat was trying to avoid being alone with him all together. Certainly she must know that he would never hurt her, right? He pushed the thought to the back of his mind, he didn't need something else to worry about.

He looked at little Ternkit, who's affections were much bigger than his own little body. Pinestep admired the young tom, and wished nothing for the best for him when he began his apprentice duties. A smile touched his face, an action that was almost never seen. "Very well, some other time then." He simply said, but he knew he wouldn't be able to just shrug the rejection off. Ashcloud was queen, and if she didn't want to try and get away from her current rank, she'd stay a queen. Of course, it was better than being an elder, collecting dust in the elder's den.

Looking from the black and white kit to the tabby tom, he met the queen's eyes, and he felt as if his heart would be torn in two right that instant. He inhaled sharply, unable to hold her gaze for long, for it pained him more than any physical injury. "You should eat." The tom murmured softly, trying to change the subject, but his mind had already formed images of the moments they had shared together. He could remember all of the times they had sat close, comforting each other in silence. There was no longer any comfort now, only silence. Brutal, cold silence. How could one feel so hurt, when there was no enemy facing you? Was love meant to be this painful?

Out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a stray ball of moss drifting with the wind. He immediately stretched out a paw and batted it towards Ternkit. Pinestep had never experienced much of play during his kithood, maybe that's why he was marveling in the kits playing in the clearing today. "Ashcloud, do you realize that I will never lie to you?" He meowed suddenly, thinking of the night he had confessed his love to the grey queen. Pinestep was desperately trying to reach a connection with the she-cat, but he feared that he had lost her forever.

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She watched Pinestep carefully, more carefully than she had ever observed another. Even when he didn’t physically command her attention, as he did now, he was on her thoughts. How many afternoon hours had she spent curled in her nest, her gaze glued to the camp clearing? All she wanted was a glance, a few brief moments of heaven. She had reconciled herself to the idea that it was all she could have, all she could steal without appeasing her greedy nature. But in those endless hours, Ashcloud had learned much. She’d learned the different between leadership and frustration, between lies and truth. She had no doubt he had lied. In fact, she knew as much. He had confessed his lies to her, his secrets. That afternoon in the pines was cemented in her memory, secreted away. He was a murderer, a liar, treacherous and dangerous. Yet at the same time, none of that was true. He was something else entirely. And she’d learned to read him, to read him better than she read any other – her immediate family included. Perhaps her infatuation with him had become an obsession, a deadly little thing. But she couldn’t tear herself away.

She ducked her head quickly, nodding a quiet assent. She tore into a mouse, though the food tasted like ash and dirt on her tongue. She chewed numbly, swallowing out of force more than desire. It wasn’t that she disliked the gesture, but rather was drowning in grief and misery. Ternkit, for his part, had popped open his eyes. He was now staring yearningly at the spare mouse. She could see that his little paws itched to pounce on the dead rodent, to cuddle it close. Yet to his credit, he did his best to resist. He wanted nothing more than to make his mother proud, to make “big” friends as she had instructed. And that meant resisting the allure of other friends, of friends that made his mother’s eyes sad. He shifted, but couldn’t take his eyes away. Ashcloud couldn’t move, couldn’t even bat the mouse closer. It smelled so strongly, so deliciously, of Pinestep. Somehow she had frozen. But Pinestep’s sudden question jerked her from her reverie. She lifted her head quickly, her mouse half-eaten between her paws. Slowly, she nodded. “I hope you realize, I won’t let myself hurt you.” For a moment, it seemed as if she might continue – might elaborate. But she ducked her head, falling silent once more.

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I hope you realize I won't let myself hurt you.

The tom completely understood the she-cat's words, but he didn't believe them. Images from the other night plagued him, her rejection, the hole that had formed within his heart. Oh, she had done more than hurt him, she had broken him. "But you have hurt me, Ashcloud. More than you ever will know." Pinestep's voice was a strained whisper as he looked at the she-cat. Could she not see how many nights he had stayed awake, unable to fall asleep? Even if he did sleep, nightmares yet again invaded his dreams. No longer did the guilt of Pebblekit take the form of a nightmare, now the idea of love, something that he never quite had to begin with, was beginning to fade.

He was afraid of being alone, yet he would not admit it. Not to himself, not to another cat. "I love you, no matter if you want me to or not. I love you so fiercely, that I fear that it may even rival the love a queen has for her kits." The tom's voice was hushed, for he didn't want any eavesdropping warriors to hear any of their conversation.

Did Ashcloud not realize how hard it was for the tom to verbally say he loved her? It had been a challenge for him to physically show it, and up until now the she-cat hadn't complained about being in close proximity with the tabby tom. "That night when I told you I loved you, and the response you gave me...my heart has been writhing in pain ever since." He meowed quietly, resting his head on his paws.

Sleep threatened to take him, yet his forced his eyes to stay open. He couldn't dive back into that sea of nightmares, nor did he want to leave Ashcloud. He wanted to be close to her, to be able to touch her fur, to know her scent, everything. Pinestep wasn't able to do that, at least not anymore. He was forced back by an invisible force, and he could only glance at the she-cat and think of better days.

Why did love have to cause one to suffer?

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