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[Rendezvous]

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A full moon shone high in the black sky, illuminating the clearing. Pinestep roused several warriors from their sleep in the warrior's den. "Moonhigh patrol, come on." The tom nearly hissed the words at the warriors, mainly because he knew that the cats knew that they were supposed to be doing the patrol tonight. Slipping back out of the den, he padded towards the camp entrance, his ears flicking as he heard the pounding of pawsteps behind him.

Gesturing with his tail, he instructed two toms to check out the area near the Thunderpath. Shadowclan was lucky to share borders only with Thunderclan, and Windclan, yet Pinestep felt as if there was tension lingering in the air, although he wasn't exactly sure what it could be. The large tom gestured for the remaining wiry she-cat to inspect the Windclan border with him. Pushing through the under brush, the tom lengthened his stride, the wind lifting slightly and sending a slight chill through his fur.

After moving through the dark woods of Shadowclan, the tom finally came to a stop at the Windclan border, their iconic moors seeming to stretch on for miles. "Let's renew the scent markers." Pinestep ordered, jerking his head for the she-cat to go one way while he went the other way down the border. It smelled like Shadowclan on their respective side, which was a good sign. It didn't look as if any Windclan cats had attempted to trespass onto their territory. Once he had finished marking the borders, he met up again with the she-cat. "Alright, let's head back." He meowed, padding away from the border, yet something kept pulling at his fur, but what was it?

Meeting up near the Thunderpath, Pinestep listened to the reports of the other two toms. "Everything good on the other side?" The tabby tom nodded as the warriors told him that there was nothing out of the ordinary to report. "Back to camp then, you can return to your nests." The deputy wasn't surprised that the cats bounded back with a sudden burst of energy towards the camp. Snorting, Pinestep followed at a much slower pace, not in any particular hurry to get back to camp.

As he was left alone to his own devices, the brown tabby caught an unfamiliar scent lingering in the woods. Narrowing his eyes, he soon heard the rustling of the underbrush. Rogue. The tom thought as he stalked forward quietly, and upon catching a glimpse of a scrawny cat trying to feast upon crow-food, Pinestep pounced, claws unsheathed, without any warning. The tom lashed out with his claws at the skinny feline, who was quite lithe and managed to get in a few good scratches at the tom's face. Spitting in fury, Pinestep delivered a sharp bite to the cat's shoulder, which sent it yowling away in fear back across the Thunderpath. "And don't come back you filthy piece of mousedung." He muttered under his breath, only just realizing that the scratches were starting to burn upon his face.

Figures, those mangy warriors weren't focusing on their duties. No point in complaining about something that was over and done with. Shaking his head to try and fling off some of the blood, the tom continued on back to camp. The clan was still quiet, and the warriors were no where in sight, which meant they had already returned to their nests. Pinestep wasn't in the mood to return to sleep, he may end up taking out his frustration on a fellow clan cat.

The tom instead padded towards the other side of the clearing and stuck his head into the nursery. "Ashcloud?" He murmured quietly, doubting that the grey she-cat was even awake at this time. Without even waiting, he retreated from the nursery and laid down a little ways off, watching the camp entrance.

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She often lay awake long into the night hours. After a long day, her leg would throb. She would shift, turn and twist each way. Yet some nights were not meant for rest. And so she lingered, she watched. She lay with her chin gently on her crossed paws. At her stomach, Ternkit and Yarrowkit were curled in sleep. Ternkit’s paw was wrapped haphazardly around a smooth pebble he’d grown attached to. He had snuggled close. He was a massive little tom, not yet six moons but rivaling some of the younger apprentices in size. Yet his wide innocent gaze and simple joys identified him as youthful – as a creature separate from others in more ways than. But for the moment she snuggled closer to him, touched her nose softly to his forehead and turned her attention back to the camp outside shrouded in darkness.

Ashcloud, being crippled as she was, had more than ample time to observe. And she very rarely squandered it. She was a quiet soul, and as quiet souls often were – she had a certain knack for reading others. She was observant. And as with others, she had observed a great many things about Pinestep. The proud deputy was brittle, with a tongue sharper than a rat’s front teeth. But, as with any creature, loneliness stalked him. Ashcloud settled herself, carefully tucking her paw out of sight’s way. It was mangled, occasionally churned stomachs. She swept her tail out, wrapping around Yarrow and Tern who yawned sleepily and snuggled closed. They were not, of course, biologically hers. But each was hers emotionally in some way. She was mother to them, nurse, babysitter, and sister. Some, more than others, such as tiny Ternkit. The massive tom kitten in question had secured himself a very special place in her heart. Ashcloud kept an eye on her sleeping twins, though a respectful amount of attention on her surroundings as well. She dipped her head, purring with affection. The camp was deserted, encased in absolute silence. Yet as if to prove her wrong, to mock her perception of silence, a voice broke through the stillness.

Ashcloud

She snapped her attention away from the kittens and to the familiar deep bass voice. Pinestep’s nose was just vanishing. In the dim light, it’s likely he had thought her asleep. She peered towards the sky. He must have just returned from his moon-high patrol. She paused. She could stay, perhaps catch an hour’s worth of needed sleep. But something pulled her towards Pinestep. She carefully stood, balancing on her three good paws. Yarrowkit and Ternkit snuggled closer together, shifting before falling back into their deep sleep. She crept around them, her tail flicking as she exited the Nursery. She luxuriated in a long stretch, her bright eyes scanning the clearing. She spotted Pinestep’s curled shape quickly and approached him. A purr almost rumbled in her throat, though she swallowed it awkwardly. She enjoyed Pinestep’s company, had enjoyed it increasingly in past moons. Yet she hadn’t expected the sudden surge of affection for him. She approached, settling at his side. It took a moment for her to notice the light blood on his face, the scratch marks left by a rogue’s vindictive paw. She frowned, “Pinestep,” it was a light murmur, “you’re hurt.” Her instinct was to care for him, to clean away the blood, to see him sleep peacefully. But she kept to herself, her tail wrapping around her paws. Yet again, she hid her mangled limb beneath her, out of his view. There was no reason to spoil a beautiful evening.

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Could the tom deny that he had affections for Ashcloud? To Cedarstorm, he would. Yet the tom wasn't embarrassed that whenever he was in the queen's presence, his heart would flutter, causing his worries to fade away. Ashcloud was his that little light that brought him back to the present whenever he became lost in his thoughts. He was hers for as long as she would have him.

Hearing a familiar voice, the tom was dragged out of his thoughts and back to reality. "It's nothing, just a scratch." He meowed as he looked to the she-cat, silently grateful that the feline had decided to join him. "I hope I didn't wake you." He murmured softly as he shifted closer to the gray she-cat. The clearing was illuminated by the moonlight, enabling Pinestep to make out the cat's frame in the darkness. She was beautiful, in all of her mysterious glory. Noticing Ashcloud's shift in movement, he realized that she was trying to hide her mangled paw. "Ashcloud, you're perfect as you are, no need to do that." Without any warning, the tom licked the she-cat's shoulder. "You're the most beautiful she-cat, and don't let anyone tell you any different." Pinestep was sure that he would end up shredding the ears of any cat who threatened the morale of Ashcloud.

Pinestep was silently glad that the clearing was empty, so that no cats would be giving them curious glances, trying to figure out the connection there. It was hard to keep secrets when you lived the life of a clan cat, almost every cat either knew your business or would be trying their best to dig up something about another cat.

Taking in a deep breath, the tom settled onto his belly in a laying position. "I apologize for not coming to see you sooner, things have been hectic lately." He meowed, hoping that the cat wouldn't hate him for not visiting her as much as he normally would have done. Pinestep had never visioned himself as having a mate, yet here he was allowing the affectionate warmth of a slowly blooming love to fill every space of his heart. "How have you been doing?" The tom asked, hoping that the she-cat was in the best of health, as always.

Lately the tom had been wishing that the queen was still a warrior, instead of being trapped in the confines of the nursery. Yet Ashcloud seemed oddly content with her life as a queen, though Pinestep yearned for the she-cat to share a nest beside him, so that every sun, her face would be the first he would see. As unoriginal as that sounded, it was the truth.

Stretching his jaws in a yawn, the tom looked to the she-cat before leaning over so that he could groom her fur gently, allowing his own worries to fade with the moment.

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There was a warmth in the air, signifying the progression of spring. Any moon now, she-cats would be swelling with the life that stirred within them. The Nursery would become a bustle. Ashcloud had already noticed a number of new young pairs making eyes at each other, even youthful apprentices with dreams of their future families. Soon the camp would be tumbling with eager kittens, the clan’s next generation of warriors. And in her own way she would be mother to all of them. Yet in the same, depressing, way she was mother to none. But it was the path Starclan had chosen for her, she was the victim of fate. She looked to Pinestep, smiling softly and shaking her head. “I’m glad to have the company, I fear I shall not sleep much tonight.” No night terrors kept her from her rest. But she was an oddly pensive soul. She tended to think too much, to linger on thoughts best left to their own devices. She stiffened at Pinestep’s following words, out of surprise more than anything else. She’d been called gentle, warm-hearted. But it had been seasons since anyone had called her beautiful. She ducked her head, looking down at her half-covered mangled paw.

Her voice lowered, bashful yet with a hint of grateful warmth. “You don’t have to say that, Pinestep. I have long since made peace with the path chosen for me.” She suffered from self-consciousness, as any creature tended to do. But she truly had made peace with what she was, and what was destined for her. Yet a warmth flooded to her cheeks. She tucked the memory of his smooth voice, the feel of his touch on her shoulder, away to revel in later. She would save it, one of her few blessed beautiful times to be enjoyed over and over again. Her ears flicked back shyly, she’d always been a quiet soul. She smiled at him, “Ternkit and Yarrowkit are nearly ready for their apprenticeship.” It was the only way to answer his question. He understood, her life was tied to the kittens. They were her joy, her sole sense of purpose anymore. Her eyes fluttered closed as he touched her. It was a soothing thing. She lowered her head, resting it tentatively on his massive tabby paws. She felt small, curled beside him. Weak, yet protected as well. It was a sense of security, of flawless safety. She had a thousand questions she wanted to ask. She couldn’t understand, the words that came from his lips. She couldn’t understand the moment he spent with her, these times when he transformed into the most endearing empathetic selfless creature she had ever met. Yet not long ago she hadn’t trusted him around the kittens, had distinctly recoiled at his approach. She couldn’t fathom what he had become, or why.

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Wasn't that how Pinestep had started to pay attention to Ashcloud in the first place? Company? Deep down, he wanted the company of another cat, aside from his twin brother. At first, he had visited the nursery, providing food for Ashcloud because he only wanted to obtain loyalty from his clanmates. Within minutes of being with the queen, however, he had found himself locked in her gaze, his attention focused on that fire that burned brightly in her heart. Many saw the cat as broken, unable to be used, but Pinestep saw her as something much more than that. She may be unable to be a warrior, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be loved. The tom had never had plans to love a cat either, but look what had blossomed from a dark ambition, the ugly duckling had finally reared its ugly face, but it had matured into a majestic swan.

Pinestep had pictured himself as a monster, a ruler of the clans, yet he had abandoned all of that. For Ashcloud. He loved her, and he found himself revolving around her, and he never went a moment without her on his mind. "If you ever find you cannot sleep, you know where to find me. I'll make sure that you don't have to be alone." He meowed, his voice gentle, something no other cat would have the honor of experiencing. A smile lightened the tabby's features as the she-cat rested her delicate head on his paws. "I'll always be here, Ashcloud."

He groomed the she-cat between the ears briefly before hearing her comment about Froststar's kits. "They've grown quickly. I'm sure Froststar will pick the best of the Shadowclan to mentor her kits." Hopefully Froststar didn't use favoritism for her kits, although it seemed quite unlikely, she had given her kits up to Ashcloud so that she could become leader, right?

Ternkit was an interesting, yet energetic little kit. It was obvious that everything wasn't exactly right mentally for the young tom, but perhaps he would change with age, maybe. Pinestep liked the little tom, and he wouldn't want him to mistreated by an unruly mentor who wouldn't know how to handle his strange nature.

"I love you, Ashcloud." And it will always be that way.

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Ashcloud allowed her eyes to flutter closed. Pinestep’s tongue on her forehead and ears was soothing. Her entire body relaxed. She had spent the hours of moonhigh twisting and turning. Yet now, in Pinestep’s embrace, she found herself perfectly at ease. Her bones were suddenly tired. Yet there was a pulsing warmth from Pinestep. It flooded her veins. She pressed closer to him, mixing his own tabby fur with hers. She nestled deeper into his chest, his long maine-coon fur. She felt young again, young and hopeful. At nights, there had been a time when she had curled around her sister – Willowbranch. They would sleep like that, curled and sharing warmth. They would wake, the other’s scent always clinging and fading slowly away until the night when it would be refreshed. She was reminded of those long ago times now, though it was different with Pinestep. Obviously, he was not her dear sister. He was something different. Though exactly what, she hadn’t yet figured out. She was not oblivious to his affections, yet she was clueless in how to respond. She had never been treated with a romantic sort of affection. And she had yet to discover whether such affections were welcomed, or feared.

A quiet gentle purr rumbled in her throat. Her ears flicked back against her head and she heaved a welcome sigh. She chuckled lightly at his words, though she knew he meant them in all earnest sincerity. “I’m sure the other queens wouldn’t be pleased to have an extra body crowding the Nursery.” The idea of herself moving into the warriors den, well that was impossible. She was no longer a warrior. She never would be. And she refused to enter the elder’s den. Her purr faltered at the mere thought. She still feared if she entered that den, she’d never emerge. She pressed closer to Pinestep, her eye still gently closed. She focused on his words, on images of Ternkit and Yarrowkit rolling about the Nursery. She smiled again, the tension in her muscles releasing. “Yarrowkit will make her mother proud,” she paused, “As will Ternkit, in his own time.” She fell silent, soothed by Pinestep’s mere presence. Her mind was growing tired, the warmth and security lulling her slowly to sleep. Yet Pinestep’s final words floated to her ears. The snapped her out of her reverie. She scrambled back automatically, stumbling awkwardly over her twisted paw. She stared at him with wide eyes, his scent still clinging to her. She didn’t say a word, but fear was clear on her features. “Those are not words to throw around, Pinestep.” She added silently, not around someone like me.

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Without any warning, the peace had been broken. The tom reacted quickly by rushing to his paws as the queen backed away from him. Green eyes widened in shock for he had picked up on the fear that was written clearly upon her features in the moonlight. Why is she afraid of me? He thought in silence as he stepped forward, wanting to continue the moment that they had been sharing, but that moment was gone and he feared that he would never get it back.

What had he done wrong? Pinestep's ears flicked as he heard the gray cat's comment. "I'm not just saying that! I really do love you Ashcloud!" The tom felt as if he had just gotten slapped in the face by sharp claws. And his heart? His heart felt like something the tom couldn't even begin to explain. He felt as if he had been rejected. Rejected by the only cat that he had ever cared about, did Ashcloud even realize how long it had taken him to gather the courage to tell her he loved her? Pinestep shook his head and stepped back, the scent of the queen still lingering in his fur. Just like it will be even when I return to my nest...

Did Ashcloud even realize how much this meant to him? She wasn't some plaything to him, some fling that he would simply toss away for another toy. What did she think he had been doing when he continued to visit her in the nursery? To specifically seek her out of every other cat in the clan and ask for her to walk with him outside of the camp? He could feel his heart thumping in his chest and with each beat, he could feel the pain in his veins. Pain without love...

Suddenly the night felt cold without Ashcloud's body close to his, their frames warming one another."Please..Ashcloud.." The tom whispered. Don't do this to me. I need you.. He added softly under his breath. Did Ashcloud think that he treated every cat this way? Heavens to Starclan, no! Throughout his daily duties, the tom barked out orders to other cats, not offering any mercy for any cat. But Ashcloud, his heart grew soft and he found himself thinking of her amber eyes and her welcoming disposition throughout the day.

Did she even know how he felt? Pinestep never lied, he may hide a few things, but he never lied. "I don't feel like this for anyone else..I speak the truth.." No other cat would ever get the opportunity of seeing the Shadowclan deputy in such a way. He was a strong, powerful cat and he never let his true emotions show in front of his clanmates. Yet when he was alone with Ashcloud? He opened his heart for her to show that there was always a light somewhere in the dark.

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Ashcloud couldn’t breathe. Her heart was hammering in her chest. She was sucking in air desperately through her lips, but none of it seemed able to reach her lungs. She was choking, suffocating. And Pinestep’s words came as if from far away, in slow motion. She saw him rise, saw the anger, the hurt, the betrayal. And in that instant she knew she had made a mistake. But she couldn’t speak. Her legs buckled and she fell. Three legs could not support her now. She doubted she would have been able to stand, even with four good legs. She lowered herself to the ground, ducking her head. She was still sucking in air, trying despereately the somehow understand his words, to process them enough to form a response of her own. But her mind refused to cooperate. The words kept beating in her head, taunting her, disrupting every idea she had held for the past moons, every conclusion she had come to – every reality she understood. I love you….I need you… This wasn’t supposed to happen. She wasn’t supposed to be loved, needed, not like this – not in this desperate romantic sense. She’d given up such a future, resigned herself to a new truth.

And Pinestep was breaking her truth, remolding a new truth for her. But she couldn’t keep up, she couldn’t understand. Her eyes fluttered closed. She focused on calming her breath, on steadying herself. If she didn’t stop, she would go into a full blown panic attack, she would lose control. And then they’d have to medicate her, calm her down, she’d wake up deep in the recesses of the Elder’s Den. Her breathing was shaky, but she managed to finally calm herself. She lifted her gaze, searching Pinestep’s face silently. He had finally fallen silent, waiting for her. “Pinestep…” She left his name roll off of her tongue. It felt comforting, almost as secure as his embrace had been moments ago. She realized she wanted that embrace, yearned to have him return to her, to comfort her and tell her all would be right by morning. “Please, understand,” she paused, ducking her head in shame, “I resigned myself to my life long ago. I made peace.” She looked down at her twisted paw, backwards and broken beyond repair.

“You’re recreating my world, everything I taught myself to accept as reality.” She looked up to him. Her ears flicked back against her head. This was the moment. He could walk away, he could refuse. Perhaps this was a moment of insanity. He would truly see her, and be disgusted at his own foolishness. And this was the moment that decided it all. “And I can’t do it in an instant, in a single sudden moment.” She paused, still fearful and unsure, but understanding with all her heart that she wanted nothing more than him. “But maybe, maybe I can do it, slowly.”

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Hearing his name tumble from the she-cat's lips, his ears pricked in anticipation. Yet her next words caused his ears to fall, but he held his head high, not wanting to show much her words really hurt him internally. "I understand." He truly did. Pinestep knew that the queen had injured her paw moons ago, and it didn't come as a surprise that she had to completely revise the way she lived, meaning she would have to toss many of her hopes and dreams. About a moon or so ago, Pinestep remembered asking the she-cat if she had taken a mate, which of course the answer was no. Did the queen believe that being a little different meant that you couldn't love another?

If that was the case the tom wouldn't be standing here like a mousebrain confessing his love. Alas he would have to understand that trying to ask someone to change their life in a sudden instant without any thought would be hard for them to do. He simply dipped his head in earnest respect to the queen, his emerald eyes lifting to observe her from a distance. Those green eyes were filled with pain and grief. Of course, the strong tom didn't visibly break down like the queen had done moments before, yet his heart was a war zone threatening to consume him at any moment.

"I understand, take as much time as you need." He meowed softly before adding in a whisper, "I'll wait forever if I have to, Ashcloud. I promise." Even if the she-cat found out that she didn't have feelings for the tom after all, Pinestep realized that he would still love her. Why did he love her so strongly? It wasn't the fact that he had never loved another creature before, it was something beyond that. The Shadowclan queen had stolen his heart, and if he had to walk a million lengths for her to find her love for him, he would no questions asked.

The tom raised his head and looked towards the camp entrance, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep tonight. In the past moons he had carried a burden on his mind, but Ashcloud had lifted that burden causing him to walk weightless without a single worry. Unfortunately he now carried a burden on his heart and it pained him more than any enemy-inflicted wound ever would. The worst part was that he couldn't even hide and lick this wound, only Ashcloud could sew up this gash that had torn him in two.

Flicking his ears forward he shifted his attention to the queen. "I'm going for a walk." He meowed simply, his eyes looking at the she-cat with such a tenderness that he felt as he would just break down in front of the clan cat. Yet he wasn't going to do that, he refused to make a fool of himself. Not here, not now. Why was he in pain? It was because he was afraid that he was going to lose something that had never quite had from the beginning.

He had wanted to start over and turn over a new leaf yet he was slowly watching the wind carry that leaf away, leaving him standing alone in the dark.

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Greed was a deadly sin, one of seven. It seemed that all the great and terrible things of the world came in sevens. There were seven world wonders, seven deadly sins, and seven days of the week just to name a few. Wherever you turned, that little number was controlling some part of your life. But of the twenty-one things named there, the days, wonders and sins, Ashcloud was only focused on one. Greed. If she were to personally embody one sin, it would be greed. It drove her to do many of the unwise things she did. It was the more than occasional source of her weakness, it was the way she walked and held herself, it was the way she slapped away the hand extended to pick her to her feet. It was the way she coveted Pinestep – that which she had no right to desire. It was closely connected with weakness, but more than that, with vulnerability. Weakness could be altered in a moment, by a weapon or courage or some other wonderful virtue. But vulnerability, well you only needed to be vulnerable for a moment to be struck down. Ashcloud had been consumed by a deep-seated vulnerability for the past moons, and lived in fear of being struck down. Even now, as the wind blew around her and the deadly stillness settled in the clearing, Ashcloud was vulnerable in more ways than the obvious. It was strange, that as the world literally crashed down around her, all she could think about was her own vulnerability. She didn’t concentrate on regrets, her life didn’t flash before her eyes. She didn’t send a prayer to any false god, nor feel that sudden absolving love some claimed to be filled with. She focused on her vulnerability, and her relief that it was finally going to end. She wasn’t suicidal by any means, but she had lived a tired life.

And now Pinestep was walking, a fragile excuse. She could see it in his limbs, he wanted to flee from her mere presence. And she didn’t stop him. The words lingered on her lips. With just a push of strength, she could voice them. She could keep him, forever. She could have him, if she wanted him. She could tie him down to her. He would be forced to care for her, for their kittens. When the beauties of life paraded before her eyes, he would see the prison he had ensnared himself in. That was the greed. The greed pushed her to say the words, to call him back, to keep him forever for herself. But she wouldn’t let it win, not this time. She had luxuriated in past moons, in his visits and his attentions. She had lapped them up like a greedy cow, she’d encouraged him instead of chasing him away as she should have. And now she paid the price. So she didn’t speak a word. She didn’t call him back, didn’t cry out. She let him walk away. For once, in their relationship, Ashcloud did the right thing. Yet left alone, she couldn’t find the strength to even return to the Nursery. Instead she curled up on herself, and silently, her body wracked with a voiceless dry empty grief.

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