kat's lessons [private]

[flyaway]

Well hey there. Here is your dandy little lesson thread. Before we begin all the fun stuff, there are a few things I want to let you know.

Firstly, I'm going to try and be as straight-up with you as possible, without being outright blunt. I don't believe padding criticisms or areas of improvement really help anyone to actually improve. You are more than welcome to question the advice or pointers I give you, of course, but I expect they will be in the same respectful manner that I intend to treat you with.

Secondly, just a little bit about myself so we can get to know each other a bit. I'm just in the midst of my senior year of high school, so seventeen years old. I have extensive experience with writing, sentence structure, and especially with creative writing. I have a crazy insane love of Batman and leeches freak me out. Got it? Awesome, lets begin.

So, after reviewing your RP sample you provided - I have a plan of attack for our time together. You have a basic grasp of detailing, and content. However, I want to improve these grasps, make them more definite. I'm going to focus a lot on grammar - on where commas go, what is considered a fragmented sentence, those sorts of things.

Feel free to ask questions at any time either here or through PM.

[flyaway]

commas

Commas. This is a pretty basic concept, but it can be confusing. What I've noticed in your writing isn't using commas wrong so much as not really using them at all. So we're going to work on fixing that.

When you think of a comma, think of when you speak. If you have to take a breath, either a sentence is too long or you need to insert a comma - for a pause. Here are some basic rules to comma use.

• Use a comma to separate 2 independent clauses joined by for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so.
  
• If there is a list of three or more items
  
• If there are two or more adjectives in a row
  
• When a dependent clause, unnecessary word, or unnecessary phrase AND an independent clause are put together, there is usually a comma.

Please, do feel free to ask for clarification. While I am not a first time teacher, I realize that not everyone learns the same way. I am more than happy to give you more specifics, explain in a different way, etc.

assignment

You are going to write a scene. There is no maximum for words, but it has to be at least 200. Use proper comma use. I want some detailed sentences, so that we can really demonstrate an understanding of comma use. When you finish, please post it here so we can go over it together.

Your Scene: One of your characters (any one of them), is on a walk alone. You may pick place, mood, time of day and anything else. Just write describing this scene.

Feel free to post any questions!

[( kat ?! )]

Feb 8, 2013 13:06:35 GMT -5 flyaway said:

• When a dependent clause, unnecessary word, or unnecessary phrase AND an independent clause are put together, there is usually a comma.

can i clarafication's on this please? c:

[flyaway]

Of course my dear! So quickly, here is an explanation of a dependent and independent clause, in case you aren't familiar with those terms.

an independent clause is a sentence or a part of a sentence that can stand alone, such as "I walked towards her."

a dependent clause is a fragment that cannot stand alone, such as "happily waving my hand".

However, when these are put together, you get "I walked towards her, happily waving my hand". In order to combine these two clauses, you need a comma. What this rule means is that if you are going to elaborate with a descriptive phrase such as "happily waving my hand", you will most likely need a comma. Does that make sense?

[( kat ?! )]

his broad, almost threatining form, loomed over the branch as he looked down, to see his own reflection in a puddle of water. his large, yet almost featherlight, head tilted and watched as the reflection did the same. tallwhsikers snorted. his light paws fell from branch he was on and landed in the puddle of water, splashing him. burning amber optics drifted in the area, his paws moved him to wherewver it was he was going. honestly, he didnt know himself. shoulderblades lifted and fell with each step. the sun blazed over the area, and he moved swiftly in the area. his brain was scrambled. sootstar had confused him yet again, telling him she loved him. tallwhiskers sighed. this isnt what he had planned, he planned for the two to live happily together. not like this, in a constant battle with each other.

bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him, noise could be heard from the undergrowth, but it wasn't something large, just a piece of prey. he dropped to a hunters crouch as he slowly moved all four paws forward to the vole in the undergrowth. his pink, bumpy tounge slid over his lips. he moved slowly in the bushes, as to not scare off the tasty meal. then in all in one wuick motion, tallwhsikers leaped from his spot to here the vole was and swiftly killed it. proud of his work, he went back to where he was, and laid down to eat it

[flyaway]

Alrighty, thank you for getting this to me. Before we start - in the future there are a couple of things you should do. One, I know it is a style thing some people do, but in written posts and assignments like these - please use proper capitalization. Its cool this time, just remember for next time. Two, try and mention Tallwhisker's name earlier in the post, just easier to remember that way. Now, onto your assignment!

Feb 23, 2013 17:32:18 GMT -5 ( kat ?! ) said:

his broad, almost threatining form, loomed over the branch as he looked down, to see his own reflection in a puddle of water. his large, yet almost featherlight, head tilted and watched as the reflection did the same. tallwhsikers snorted. his light paws fell from branch he was on and landed in the puddle of water, splashing him. burning amber optics drifted in the area, his paws moved him to wherewver it was he was going. honestly, he didnt know himself. shoulderblades lifted and fell with each step. the sun blazed over the area, and he moved swiftly in the area. his brain was scrambled. sootstar had confused him yet again, telling him she loved him. tallwhiskers sighed. this isnt what he had planned, he planned for the two to live happily together. not like this, in a constant battle with each other.

bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him, noise could be heard from the undergrowth, but it wasn't something large, just a piece of prey. he dropped to a hunters crouch as he slowly moved all four paws forward to the vole in the undergrowth. his pink, bumpy tounge slid over his lips. he moved slowly in the bushes, as to not scare off the tasty meal. then in all in one wuick motion, tallwhsikers leaped from his spot to here the vole was and swiftly killed it. proud of his work, he went back to where he was, and laid down to eat it

You have some beautiful imagery here. And your comma use truly has improved. But there are a number of places where it seems you didn't proofread. Such as writing "tounge" instead of "tongue". Just be careful of those. You have one or two run on sentences as well. When you are using your commas, don't string too many clauses together.

Example

"bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him, noise could be heard from the undergrowth, but it wasn't something large, just a piece of prey."

This sentence here conveys two very different ideas, which means two different sentences. The first part "bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him" describe a visual action. The second part "noise could be heard from the undergrowth, but it wasn't something large, just a piece of prey." describes an auditory stimulus. So they should be separated. It would have been better written like,

"His bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him. A noise could be heart from the undergrowth, not something large though, perhaps just a mouse."

Psst...Piece of prey refers to something already dead (;

So does that make sense? Please feel free to post any questions before I move on to our next lesson!

[( kat ?! )]

No, no! I understand completely. I should have noticed my mistakes. ^^

So please, move on! ^^

[flyaway]

semicolons

Semicolons. This is a pretty basic concept, though one that is really underused. Often they can be forgotten, or skipped entirely. And no one is immune to this! I tend to mess up here to, so we'll have a bit of a learning curve together.

So the semicolon, in case you don't know what it is, it looks like - ; - that. It is ONLY used to put two complete thoughts together. Previously, you learned that you use a comma to put together an independent and a dependent clause. If both parts are INDEPENDENT, you should NOT use a comma. That's called a coma splice and it makes grammar nazis very sad. They can be used to separate ideas, though not in lists as commas do. An example of this would be "Lynxstar looked to each cat in turn: Littleshade, his Deputy; Jaywing, his Medicine Cat; and Froststar, the love of his life." That was an example of a semicolon in the instance of a list. It can also be used in the following setting "Lynxstar purred deep in his throat; he wrapped himself around Froststar, burying his face in her neck." Below, I have a little review.

• A semicolon is NOT the same as a comma
  
• It links together two INDEPENDENT clauses
  
• They can be used to modify lists
  
• You can have both commas and semicolons in the same sentence

Please, do feel free to ask for clarification. While I am not a first time teacher, I realize that not everyone learns the same way. I am more than happy to give you more specifics, explain in a different way, etc.

assignment

You are going to write a scene. There is no maximum for words, but it has to be at least 200. Use proper comma use. I want some detailed sentences, so that we can really demonstrate an understanding of comma use. Please also use at least two sentences with a semicolon in them. When you finish, please post it here so we can go over it together.

Your Scene: One of your characters (any one of them), is on a hunting patrol. You may pick place, mood, time of day and anything else. Just write describing this scene.

Feel free to post any questions!

[flyaway]

surroundings

Surroundings. This is a pretty basic concept. It asks the question, where is your character? Yes, you may have posted your thread in the "Riverclan Camp" subboard, but the camp is made up of so much more than a name! There are dens, pathes of dirt, or grass. There are leaves and trees, distant or nearby streams, any number of things only limited by your imagination.

Giving detail about surroundings not only lengthens your posts (as you desire), but also creates a well-woven picture for your reader. They make your character come alive, and your writing more fluid. I'm going to use your sample post as an example for us to work with.

bright amber eyes shot to an area beside him, noise could be heard from the undergrowth, but it wasn't something large, just a piece of prey. he dropped to a hunters crouch as he slowly moved all four paws forward to the vole in the undergrowth. his pink, bumpy tounge slid over his lips. he moved slowly in the bushes, as to not scare off the tasty meal. then in all in one wuick motion, tallwhsikers leaped from his spot to here the vole was and swiftly killed it. proud of his work, he went back to where he was, and laid down to eat it

You have some beginnings of surrounding detail, in sentences such as "noise could be heard from the undergrowth". But give more. where are they? is there snow on the ground? is the den dark and gloomy? What does the camp itself look like? What kind of day is it? Sunny? Warm? Cold? Ask yourself these questions.

Now imagine all the places you could give more information. Such as what Tallwhiskers has been doing, why he is returning to camp, whether he wants to return to camp.

You need to write with all five senses. And yes, that is possible. Move through them, mixing them together to create a whole picture. Here is a list of the most useful details to include in the category of Surroundings.

• What can the character see - other cats, birds, lots of trees, etc.
  
• Physical sensations - dirt on her fur, warmth on her back, etc.
  
• Sounds - murmured conversations, silence, running water, etc.
  
• Taste - does she scent something strange, how was that mouse she had for breakfast? etc.

Please, do feel free to ask for clarification. While I am not a first time teacher, I realize that not everyone learns the same way. I am more than happy to give you more specifics, explain in a different way, etc.

assignment

You are going to write a scene. There is no maximum for words, but it has to be at least 200. You are to use proper grammar and sentence structure (which you already know) and use all of your new knowledge about describing surroundings. You don't need to focus on other details just yet. I want you to focus just on surroundings. When you finish, please post it here so we can go over it together.

Your Scene: One of your characters (any one of them), is on a walk alone. You may pick place, mood, time of day and anything else. Just write describing this scene.

Feel free to post any questions!

[/size]

[( kat ?! )]

Ferndapple layed asleep in the warriors den, the dark, cool air of the summer winds flowing in and out of the small space; Her small chest slowly lifted as shallow breaths moved from her lips. The night outside was cool, and damp from the previous rain yesterday, and all day today the elders complained of wet pelts and stiff, creaky bones. Complainers they were, they were a valuable part of the clan. The elders carried the stories of the clan, to be passed down to the incoming generation. The newest litter, Morningsnow's kits, which consisted of Sootkit, a large, dark grey Tom; Rainkit, a blue grey shekit; and Willowkit, a calico with bright blue eyes, would be the first of the new year that would hear the the stories of the clan, and great battles from before their time. That's why the elders were valuable, and apprentices failed to see that when they took care of them. Ferndapple always respected her elders, in her kithood, going to see the elders was a privilege, a honor that had to be earned for being good and respectful. Ferndapple loved going to see her elders, she loved hearing the stories, watching the elders reactions, listening to the elders bickering to each other, correcting each others stories. It always made her laugh. It would brighten her day, make it so much better.

The sun was slowly rising in the far horizon, and it was time for dawn patrol. Ferndapple felt the warm rays shine on her pelt as she slowly began to stir. Around her, the other warriors began to stir, and their mates woke with sleepy smiles on their face, wishing them luck, and saying goodbye. Ferndapple rose to her paws, and stretched, flexing out her hind legs, and wrapping herself around to the back to clean her pelt, and to remove access moss from her fur. Her body aligned back, and she shook her head, and walked out in the camp. The sun was an instant hit to her face, and she squinted her eyes, not yet used to the bright area. A sigh escaped her lips and she made her way to the fresh kill pile. She had to eat before going out to hunt. Her ears flicked as she listened to the things around her in camp. The kits beginning to stir, Morningsnow soothing Rainkit, and her fellow warriors on the dawn patrol, hunting anyway, conversing, talking about the hunting conditions. Sure prey was plentiful, but it wasn't always enough. Sometimes the kits needed more, or the elders didn't get enough. Ferndapple always made sure to go above her standards, to go that extra mile, to make sure her clan was safe. As she finished her breakfast, her head moved to look, and cats were mingling in the corner of the camp, waiting to leave.

Her slithe, fawn colored body moved swiftly as they left the camp and reached the river, dodging trees as they went, hoping over logs, swiftly avoiding large rocks, and finally, reaching the river. Ferndapple halted, and eased her tail for the others to do so, and slowly walked down to the river, her paws maneuvering over the soft, round pebbles of the shoreline. Soon water began to wash against her claws, then the tufts of fur behind her claws, and soon, both paws were under water. Ferndapple lapped up some of the cool water with her tongue, the coldness of it cooled her body down, and she dunked her head underwater, to wake herself up. Ferndapple turned to the other cats and stared at them one by one. Alright, you two, I want you to work together, maybe try going over to the Windclan border, see what you can find. The remaining two, since your mentor and apprentice, you will be teaching him. Go near the Gourge, see if anything is roaming down there. I will come and find you. Dismissed.

[/color] Her bright green gaze drifted over the four cats as they scatter to opposite sides of the territory. Ferndapple? She was going to stay right here and go for a walk.

As she moved over the territory, she stayed hidden from her clan mates, downwind so they wouldn't know she was there. They tried so hard, and they don't give themselves enough pride in what they do. Ferndapple couldn't make them have pride, it had to come to them, they had to feel it from a greater force from within them. Yes it sounds odd, but that's what it's about. You feel that force and suddenly your on top of the world, and no one could bring you down. That's how she felt watching the deputy of the clan while she was a kit. She felt on top of the world, and she was queen. As Ferndapple moved on to the next pair she took out with her this morning, the mentor and apprentice pair. She smiled as she watched, putting herself in the open, as the small apprentice practiced his downwind skills. He was a fast learner, which was a bonus to the clan, because it meant he'd excel, and training would be over faster for him. Her smile faded as she looked behind her.

Food.

That's what the noise was. She could hunt, and go back with something to show for. Her lithe, small frame slithered along, crouching down low as she kept on on the squirrel, digging in the dirt, probably trying to find his storage from the winter. Ferndapple lashed her tail in the air to single to the others to be quiet. This was a very far squirrel, almost obese, and she was going to score it. Ferndapples bright green eyes were trained on the squirrel, and paw step by paw step, she made her way to the squirrel, lifting a paw very slowly until it was fully raised, she help it there for a moment, waiting until the right moment... There! Her aw went slashing down, claws unsheathed at the squirrels neck, and she slashed it open, but it wasn't dead yet. She still had one more bite to make to make the final kill. Her head lowered down and she but furiously into the squirrels neck, and killed it. Her maw parted to clamp the squirrel between her jaws, and raised her head, blood stained teeth, she grinned at the two, and said, Lets go find the others and return home. This squirrel is for the queens.[/color] he smile grew into a grin, as she nodded her head and trotted off back to camp. Today was a good day, if it wasn't for that one fact that had bugged her in the back of her mind.[/justify][/blockquote][/blockquote]

[flyaway]

Wow...that was...ridiculously improved. o.o Well done! There are of course a few errors, but they're little things. The one thing I did see were a few run-on sentences. remember, just because you use a comma or a semicolon doesn't mean a sentence can go on forever (; Your description of the sunrise was glorious - perfectly set the surroundings of your post. Truly - that was a wondrous improvement. I'm incredibly impressed. Next lesson yes?

feelings

Feelings. This is another pretty basic concept. It asks the question, how does your character emotionally respond? Yes, your cat may feel tired because it is morning, but there's more behind that! Why is your cat tired, did he/she not sleep well? How does this exhaustion affect his/her other feelings? Is she more irritable, less coherent?

You see, an emotion is not a singular thing. A cat is not just happy. There are a thousand and one things behind the word happy. There are the things that has made a character happy, the affects of that happiness, associations with that happiness, and so many other aspects. Every emotion is an opportunity to flesh out and delve deeper into not only your post, but who your character is.

Giving detail about feelings not only lengthens your posts (as you desire), but also creates a well-woven identity and individuality of your character. They make your character come alive, and your writing more fluid. I'm going to use your sample post again as an example for us to work with.

Ferndapple loved going to see her elders, she loved hearing the stories, watching the elders reactions, listening to the elders bickering to each other, correcting each others stories. It always made her laugh. It would brighten her day, make it so much better.

If you read through this post, you'll notice you describe how Ferndapple is feeling - but in a sort of superficial manner. You begin to go into detail - explaining what it is exactly that she loves about visiting the elders. But you can extend it - does she dream of doing similar things when her own age catches up with her?

Now those are only a few basic additions. But imagine all the places you could give more information. What was she feeling besides amusement?

When you write with feelings, think of yourself. Not yourself as the character, just yourself. Do you respond with just one thought or feeling? Do you think to yourself "I am worried", or is it so much more than that? I expect it is more complex, as all feelings are. Refer to your knowledge of this complexity, even if your knowledge is just instinctual. Here is a list of things to ask yourself.

• What does this character feel this way - personality, history, consequences, etc.
  
• What are other emotions - less important, reactions, side thoughts etc.
  
• How does this emotion manifest itself - actions, physical feelings, different attitude etc.

Please, do feel free to ask for clarification.

assignment

You are going to write a scene. There is no maximum for words, but it has to be at least 300. You are to use proper grammar and sentence structure (which you already know) and use all of your new knowledge about describing feelings. You will notice I have upped the word count. If you feel you cannot do this, please tell me. I expect you to describe using BOTH surroundings and feelings. You don't need to focus on other details just yet. I want you to focus just on surroundings and feelings. When you finish, please post it here so we can go over it together.

Your Scene: One of your characters (any one of them), is cleaning out the elder's den. Describe the scene's surroundings, and the character's feelings in this particular situation.